Olympic Quilting

I’ve been watching the Olympics in the evenings after work. As I watch, I work on my hand-piecing project. I’m willing to bet that I’m not the only quilter keeping her fingers busy while watching Gabby Douglas defy gravity or Michael Phelps add to his medal count.

So as I’m sitting there piecing away with one part of my mind on my quilt and another on the Olympics, the part that’s on the Olympics begins to wander when something is on that I personally don’t find riveting. And, no, I’m not about to tell anyone that I find volleyball a bit tiresome to watch, so don’t ask me what parts I’m not watching closely.

I wonder what would happen if there was an Olympics for quilters? Can’t you see it now? All the quilters would march into the stadium wearing their quilted vests and jackets, rotary cutters and thimbles at the ready?

I wonder what kind of divisions there’d be? Don’t you think they would have to separate the quilters who do hand work from those who use their sewing machines?  If speed factors in to the equation when it comes to winning gold, those divisions would have to be considered.

I’m sure any judge’s scorecard would include accuracy no matter which method of construction was used. I can almost see it now, “Look, look, at this. She missed matching this point by at least a half a thread. One-tenth of a point off here! Oh, here’s another one. My, my, the deductions keep adding up!”

There would have to be a category for Binding. Judges can be pretty harsh when it comes to grading binding. It’s tough enough trying to get into one of the premier shows and, don’t forget, we’re talking the Olympics here, so just imagine how perfect that binding would have to be.

Maybe there would be a category for Quilts Made Using the Most Pieces or Quilts Made Using the Tiniest Pieces.

And then I think about the categories I might have a chance of qualifying to enter.

There’s seam ripping! I might have a chance at winning gold there. Jack (my ripper) and I have made a pretty good team over the years. He’s a stout lad and always available and, goodness knows, we have practiced until we have it down to a fine art.

And then there’s always Stash Building. I have proven to be a master in that category. I think my habit of buying five or six yards of fabric I really like when I see it contributes to my expertise in this division. Heaven knows, I’m not going to be running out of anything when I get around to actually using that fabric.

I wouldn’t count on qualifying for gold, but perhaps I could medal in the Having Every Rotary Cutting Ruler on the Face of the Planet Owned By an Individual Division. I seem to be all about having the rotary cutting made as easy and accurate as possible. As we all know, it is far easier to blame the problem on the ruler than the person running the cutter. (Kind of like my ex-husband needing a new bowling ball or a new set of golf clubs when his game wasn’t going well.)

I might have a chance at medaling in The Largest Collection of Useless Sewing Items. My mom, bless her heart, saw that I was putting thimbles in a type case that was hanging on my wall. Next thing I knew, she had toted boxes of those glass commemorative thimbles into my house. I have no idea where she came up with them, but one held 24 thimbles decorated with birds, and there was a complete set of 50 representing each state in the union complete with a little map painted on one side. It was a breathtaking gift, and she was just so proud of herself for being able to fill up so many little compartments.

I could probably enter the Most Ideas for Quilts That Have Never Come to Fruition category. I’m not sure I would medal but I could bury the judges in reams of paper with quilt designs and plans.

Oh, oh wait, I know what category I could enter! Feedsack Collecting! Maybe I would have a chance there since I have some rather unusual ones. Oh, never mind, I know other people who have far more than I do. My kids probably wouldn’t believe that but I know the woman who bought a warehouse full of the things. She would probably win gold in that one.

Maybe I could qualify for The Most Unfinished Projects category. After all, I have all those quilt tops that need to be quilted. And there are all the blocks I’ve made that haven’t been sewn into tops yet, not to mention all the poor little orphans I’ve picked up at estate sales and antique stores. Oh, I think I could anticipate a medal here!

Perhaps it is time to form a committee for The Quilting Olympics. Anyone care to join?